As I read the words on my phone, my heart sank. My ex-wife is engaged to be married.
I certainly saw the writing on the wall months ago but now I must face that reality head-on. The girls will have a stepdad. It is no longer a hypothetical. It is pretty difficult to express just how I am feeling about it to be honest. Tons of fear, a healthy dose of sadness, some loneliness for sure. A hint of self-pity.
But there is another feeling that is rising above the others.
I am genuinely happy that God is in control of the life of my ex-wife. He has given her what she needs. He will give me what I need too. A few years ago if this scenario were to occur, my shame would not have let me believe that God will give me what I need. But today I believe it. And it is that belief that gives me a chance in this crazy life as a recovering addict.
I have a chance at happiness.
God knows what I need to be happy and serene. He knows how to cure my discontent. I’m not sure exactly what that is at this point but I don’t have to know. Will I find a special someone and get married some day? Maybe, maybe not. I’m not sure another wife is what I need. It sounds great on paper at times but I don’t think I can demand it as if my happiness is dependant upon finding a woman with whom to share my life.
All I do know is that my Higher Power loves me so much that He chose to remove me from a marriage that was not built to last. He loved me so much that He took my dream job away from me and brought me to the mecca of sex addiction recovery – Nashville, TN. At the time it almost seemed that He was punishing me by shaking up my life so dramatically.
A marriage of nearly 10 years shattered.
Many friendships lost – never to be recovered.
An end of an era of living in Asia.
Thousands of miles of separation from my two daughters.
These things usually don’t add up to a positive outcome. But for me they all happened because of mercy poured out on my head like a bucket of ice water on a scorching July afternoon.
I’m about two weeks away from my move to Kuwait and I don’t know what God has in store for me there. There is so much uncertainty right now but the one thing I am certain of is the peace that comes from surrendering my life over to the care of God. One prayer that I know in my heart that is for all seasons is the one I pray nearly every day:
“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.”