“Daddy I missed you.” – My daughter
She said it at least 5 times over the course of an hour. Each time my heart melted and I told her how much I missed her as well.
What did I do to deserve her?
The night before I sat down with my ex wife and I officially started Step 9. I made my amends for the damage and harm I caused while we were married. I think I am still processing that conversation as it was both healing and painful. It was healing in the sense I showed humility and a willingness to make things right. It was healing that she articulated her appreciation for the amends.
It was painful because I was reminded what I allowed my disease to do. I was reminded that things cannot go back to the way they were. I was told that she has moved on.
Do I not deserve a second chance?
I believe that God is changing my perspective on what happens to me in this life. The truth is I don’t deserve anything good that comes to me. And quite possibly I don’t deserve the bad things either. I must accept life on life’s terms. Or to put a spiritual tone to it – life on God’s terms.
I didn’t do anything to deserve having an addiction.
I didn’t do anything to deserve the two angels that love me no matter what.
My ex wife had a legal and Biblical right to divorce me.
I have a right to pursue a happy and joyous life without her as my wife.
I have a right to be loved.
Last night was my first night with the girls since arriving in Doha a few days ago. At bedtime, they kept telling me they loved me and were very affectionate. After they fell asleep, I lay in my bed in the room next to theirs – reflecting. I realized that I grew almost a bit uncomfortable the more they expressed their undying love for their father.
Possibly because I still carry shame. I see that their mom has rejected my pursuit of reconciliation and no longer loves me the way she used to. My shame tells me that since she doesn’t love me, that I am unlovable. That I don’t deserve love.
Again, I am still wrestling with what I do and don’t deserve in this life. But I do believe that rejecting love from others is unhealthy and destructive to my spirit. I shouldn’t demand love nor should I run from it.
Acceptance, surrender and humility are the paths I will pursue today.
It’s not about deserving anything. It’s about accepting everything