“Whatever happens I know that I will be okay. God is going to take care of me.”
Last night at a meeting these were the words shared by a dear friend of mine. I met him in the fellowship when I first started attending meetings and we have gotten to know each other well over the last several months. We have shared our past, our lives, our fears and our victories with one another. He is like a brother to me.
And there is a good chance he is going to prison.
As he shared his situation with the group, he was calm. It was as if he was talking about a tough day at work or something. He articulated the fear in his heart but his countenance spoke of a peace that I can only dream of for myself. I sat there feeling envious and pity all at the same time. I felt joy for him for how far his recovery has brought him and I felt sorrow for the consequences of his actions. I smiled and tears flowed down my face and soaked my beard.
“Could I ever get to that level of peace?” I thought to myself after the meeting.
Then God reminded me of my journey and that I am on the road to peace. I may not have the same level of peace as my brothers but I am right where I need to be. I am not in control of my life nor do I want to be. I may have more peace than I realize. In addition to my lust addiction recovery journey there have been a number of personal trials that I have faced in the recent months. God has graciously given me strength and peace to keep at it one day at a time. It’s scary, I’ll admit. The unknown. The loneliness. The fear of being alone forever. The only thing I know to do – the only thing this program has taught me is to surrender. Let go and let God as the old saying goes.
What a perfect way to summarize the first 3 steps of addiction recovery.
Admittedly there are days that I doubt my recovery. Is it real? Will it last? But those questions don’t help me today. Doubt gets in the way of being connected to God and others.
Fantasy corrupts the real.
My fantasies tell me I need to take care of myself.
My Recovery tells me I must let God do that.