Yesterday after skyping my daughters, I felt lost. I felt confused, angry and hurt. These are not the normal emotions that I feel directly after seeing them but yesterday was different then most. It was a blunt reminder that they are over there – happy. I am over here – alone. They have adjusted to the new norm – and the years that will come. I am still barely hanging on without them in my life and honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. The distance between us is much more than the 7400 miles between our two cities. It seems like an eternity of pain. Despite the despair that knocked the wind out of my soul, I somehow found my way to church. I realized something while I sat by myself on the end of the pew. God is the only certainty in my life. He will always be there to lift me out of the extreme darkness that covers me like a cloak. His ways are much higher than mine. I may never understand why my life has gotten to this point, and I need to be okay with that. Trying to understand the why’s get me into big trouble. To honor MLK Jr., a song was performed during the offertory. It was his favorite hymn and was sung at his funeral. And when I heard it I started to understand why it resonated with him.
Precious Lord, take my hand,
Lead me on, let me stand,
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn.
Through the storm, through the night
Lead me on to the light,
Take my hand, precious Lord, Lead me home.
When my way grow drear,
Precious Lord, linger near.
When my life is almost gone,
Hear my cry, hear my call,
Hold my hand lest I fall.
Take my hand, precious Lord,
Lead me home.
When the darkness appears
And the night draws near,
And the day is past and gone,
At the river I stand,
Guide my feet, hold my hand.
Take my hand, precious Lord
Lead me home….
The night before Martin Luther King Jr. was shot he proclaimed to a large audience in Memphis that he was not afraid. He had been to the mountaintop and he had seen the promised land. He spoke like a man that had supreme peace in his life. That is an amazing thing considering all that he must have been battling internally at the time.
Yesterday I felt the furthest from any kind of “mountaintop” after saying yet another goodbye to my girls. I sat nearly paralyzed with fear, jealousy and hurt.
Hearing the words of the hymn in church was yet another reminder of how weak I am. I was reminded that I cannot make it without His help. And He will not help me unless I act. My action yesterday was merely crying out to Him. Tears flowed and the desperation was palpable.
Today I had the day off from work as do many throughout the nation in recognition of Dr. King. I didn’t reach the mountaintop or see the promised land today. I have not bounced back necessarily but God did give me a gift that will go a long way in helping me get there.
I had lunch with my sister and her words were strong and true:
“You will always be their dad, no one can ever take that away from you. No one can ever replace you in their lives.”
I’m not sure if I will ever get to the mountaintop or if I would even know what it would look like if I do get there. Days like today though certainly help me think that it’s possible.
I still trust God. I know now more than ever that He is the only path to the Mountaintop. He speaks to me everyday and He will always get me through the dark days.