Saturday morning started out like most days like it. I got up, read the Daily Reflection, went to the gym, came back and scarfed down breakfast.
But then I drove east to a town outside of Nashville called Mount Juliet. Inside the Target there is a Starbucks. In that Starbucks is where the meeting took place.
The meeting with my sponsor. This was the first time I had seen my sponsor since my birthday dinner back in late October. This was a signficant sit down. This was sharing my 5th Step. The toils that went into working the 4th step were about to culminate in a face to face conversation with my sponsor where I essentially spill the beans.
All of them.
All of my fears, resentments, character defects and hurt. Mainly the hurt that caused me to hurt others. It was very fitting that the Daily Reflection spoke of the importance of living out our recovery with reckless abandon. “Half measures availed us nothing.” If we are to see results – if we are to truly change then we must go all out and keep nothing back. That which we hold on to will keep us sick.
So in the spirit of reckless abandon I spilled it. I talked about all of my dirty secrets, all of the dishonesty and fear, all of the selfishness and all the hurt. It was terrifying and freeing all the same. It was a one of a kind experience that allowed me to understand God better.
Flash forward to Sunday morning. The sermon series: The Beatitudes. The Beatitude: #6 Blessed are the Pure in Heart for they will see God.
Quite possibly the most humbling sermon I have heard in awhile. A sermon that highlighted how sinful, weak and finite we are compared to God.
“To be pure in heart is to recognize that even on our best day – our most righteous – we are up a creek with no paddle.” – Scott Sauls
What a perfect tie in to my step work. I have been charting and literally calling out all of my known character defects. I have been praying that God would remove them from me one by one. If God does not remove them then I will remain sick. Recovery is simply not possible. But the miracle is that God DOES begin to take them from me….if I am willing.
The willingness is the gateway to freedom:
“Carefully reviewing the first five steps, we ask God if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand?” – AA Big Book page 75
In the past I was never fully willing to walk this path. To fully let go of what was holding me back. I was too afraid to share with another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. This fact fills me with sadness of a life that could have been – should have been. But I am eternally grateful that finally that day has come. I can finally look the world in the eye and stand free. Free of toxic fear, free of shame.
“We then look to Step Six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all – every one? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.” – AA Big Book page 76
God is the keystone – my willingness is the mortar.
The arch has been completed and I’m walking a path toward God. I will walk this path until my last breath. I long to see The King…