Trusting amidst disappointment

“In meditation we ask God what we should do in each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.”

It’s Thanksgiving Day and I just got off the phone with my sponsor. I needed to get grounded before this joyous, yet crazy day with family begins. We were actually able to resume some step work over the phone and what we read from the AA “Big Book” was incredibly timing for what I’m dealing with at the moment.

Yesterday morning I woke to the unusual sound off my iPad alert of a Facebook message. I have been off Facebook for several months now but I still have the messenger to communicate with friends and family.

It was disappointing news.

A good friend of mine who teaches in Saudi Arabia informed me that the vacancy in the social studies department for next year has been filled. I wasn’t going to be considered for the job. These last several weeks I have been praying literally every day that God would take away my selfish expectations. That He would open and close the doors that I needed. When I felt myself stressing out about where I will be this time next year I have been saying out loud, “God I trust you.”

But a wave of sadness and disappointment hit me so hard when I read the message that I questioned that trust. Do I really trust God that He knows what’s best? Or do I want what I think is best? Now I am back at square one deciding how to proceed with the job search. Do I join an agency and go to a job fair? Is that taking back control? Will God open another door? Is the door that God will open at a job fair that I must seek out? So many questions in my head and so many opportunities to surrender.

In all of it I lose sight of the beauty of simply asking God to show me the next right thing to do. I like to get ahead of myself and live in the future and conjure up a plan of my own on how it will all work out. That brings more fear and restlessness and less serenity.

My serenity is found in living today and acting today. My serenity is simply asking God what should I do today and trusting that He will answer and give me the strength to carry that out.

I have so much to be thankful for today and above all I am thankful that God’s will IS being done in my life and I trust that it will ALWAYS be done.



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