Light and Clean. That is how I feel tonight. That was not the case a few nights ago when I decided to hold on tightly to fear and manage my way out of feeling it. The more I try to control, the heavier my heart gets. The heavier my heart gets the more isolated and filled with shame I become. The more isolated I am then the less likely I connect with God and others and the fear only worsens.
Sunday I was reminded of a few things. Fear is not always the enemy. It sucks to feel it, don’t get me wrong. But fear can often lead us to cry out for help when we need it the most. It is the perfect opportunity to surrender. If we can surrender our fear to God then we can face it because we are choosing to not face it alone. This past weekend the fear welled up within and my attempt to control it made it well up even more.
Consider the well drained.
It really is a simple recipe that keeps me sane and sober. I feel, I surrender, I connect. Maybe not always in that order but I must do those three things daily or the R.I.D. flares up inside me.
So driving to lunch, still digesting the best sermon on the topic of fear I have ever heard, I made a call. My sponsor picked up promptly and it seemed like he didn’t even care that I had not called in a few days. I burst into tears immediately and out came the crippling feeling that I had been holding on to for the last several days. I confessed every single fear that I had been shoving down and avoiding. I brought it all to the surface like I have been taught to do.
Why isn’t my sponsor lecturing me about the need to call him every day? Why is he being so understanding and patient? If he wasn’t going to state the obvious then I would: “I just feel like I am still not getting it most of the time. Recovery is the real solution and I forget that all the time and try and do things on my own!” What’s up with that?”
A short pause. “So how long have you been in recovery?”
“Since January.” – I say sheepishly.
“Right. And how long had you done it your way before you found recovery?”
“Right. You gotta give yourself a break sometimes. Easy does it, man.”
Easy does it is right.
“The solution of control over anxiety will inevitably increase anxiety because we cannot ever acquire enough control.” – Chip Dodd