Once Again…

It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m at one of my favorite coffee shops here in Nashville.

So Friday and Saturday were a freaking rollercoaster ride.

When 2:05 rolled around Friday afternoon I had successfully finished my first week at my new school. Let’s just say that this school is a MUCH better fit for me. So much so that I caught myself smiling as I walked down the hall comparing my first week here to the first week at my last school. The WORST behaved kid so far would be merely a slightly difficult student at my old school.

Perspective really is everything.

So I experienced a natural high that afternoon and evening after it sunk in that I might actually enjoy teaching and look forward to seeing my students everyday. What a novel concept, right?

When I went home after school I put together a personal budget for the next year and realized that finances will be a LOT tighter than I had realized. So a crash back to reality for a while.

After enjoying dinner with my sister and brother-in-law at our favorite Vietnamese spot, I jumped in Pearl to pick up some rides. There is no time like the present to make a little extra money to add to the ole income. When I drive, I am in my element. I can be me and not give a crap about what anyone thinks. I love it. Cue natural high again. 🙂

I drove for a few hours and then it happened.

My phone crashed. It literally crashed right before driving my 1,000th trip with Uber. A total coincidence but strange nonetheless. After rebooting the phone a few times and having it keep crashing continuously, I went offline and drove back to the apartment. Troubleshooting didn’t work, in fact it seemed to make it worse as eventually the phone stopped responding all-together. An error message plainly and harshly spelled out the reality of the situation:

Error 4014 – The phone cannot be updated or restored. It was down for the count – forever.

Nothing sunk in at first. I felt numb. I felt like I was underwater and all my senses were in a bubble and my mind just floated aimlessly for several minutes.

Then it hit me. All my pics and videos that had not been backed up. Shit! What my mind wouldn’t let me think about came rushing to the forefront of my brain and all hell broke loose inside my heart.

I was panic-stricken, guilt-stricken, shame-stricken and isolated (no phone) to top it all off. I was sad, angry, lonely and full of despair. All I could do was replay the videos from this summer in my mind in hopes of permanently imprinting them to memory. I knew that would not work but I tried to think of anything other than the reality of losing those memories forever.

I went on my iPad to see what all was there. Maybe the cloud saved the day. Nope.

What I did find was pics and videos from a few years back. That didn’t help my state of mind AT ALL.

So….for roughly two straight hours I wept. Deep and guttural. Everything just came out. It was like any un-grieved portion of my past found its way into my thoughts and out it came – a proverbial projectile vomit of the soul. Some time after about 2am I finally collapsed and passed out of sheer exhaustion.

I woke up the next morning with a pit in my stomach as soon as I realized I would need to find out the final word regarding my dead phone. If I couldn’t find a technician to resurrect it then I knew I must have a plan in place to stay sane and positive. As I started getting ready for the day I realized something. I true miracle had happened the previous night and I was just now realizing its significance. No my phone did not wake up on its own. It was still dead as a door nail.

I was still sober. I had not acted out.

A year ago that would have been my default during a crisis. How can I find a way to act out in order to not deal with my feelings and all that comes with them? This time around acting out was farthest from my mind. Well maybe not the farthest but entertaining legitimate thoughts of feeding lust never really came into play. I got in the ring with my emotions. I lost big time and it sucked – bottom line. But I was human. I was me. I wasn’t the robot addict that I once was.

Regardless of how the phone situation would play out I must celebrate that. I must boast in the power of recovery. The power of God.

The technician at the Apple store confirmed that the phone would never see another day. I got a little light-headed and tried to put into words why saving the phone was so important to me. He was incredibly sympathetic but that ultimately didn’t change the fact that the phone was gone.

But then he gave me some surprising and glorious news. The phone automatically backed up everything to the cloud after all and we found everything. I almost broke down in the middle of the Apple store!

I gladly paid for a brand new phone that day because those priceless memories had been saved. I left that mall and made some calls on my newly purchased phone and once again I was on Cloud 9. Once again God had taken care of me.

Once again He gave me the strength to trust Him and just stay sober no matter what. So I’m writing once again to anyone out there that will listen to my story.

My story is a story of God’s grace, love and power. It really has nothing to do with me but has everything to do with Him.

BrokenYetRedeemed

 

 

 

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