Saturday night I soaked my pillow case with desperate tears. I cried to God, and begged for something very specific.
Please give me my family back.
I listed all the things that I was willing to part ways with if I could just have them back. My job, all my money, all my possessions, Nashville. Basically everything that has any worth I listed that night. Eventually I prayed a prayer of surrender and fell asleep trusting in His will but the fear of the future still deep inside.
Then came Sunday morning and a sermon that centered around the story of the rich man. The rich man had done all that he needed to do but still felt lacking and approached Jesus to ask what more needed to be done for him to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus told him to sell his possessions and give away his money to the poor and follow Him.
The rich man walked away full of sorrow because he knew he was not willing to do this.
At first I really did not connect with the sermon and I would even say that my pride rose up a little and told me that this sermon should not really convict me because I am in recovery and I don’t really have that many idols in my life.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I certainly do have idols. I have riches that I love more than anything. I have wealth that I feel like I am entitled to and with which I am not willing to part.
My riches are my family. My daughters and my ex-wife.
“If you feel lost without it, that means you’ll be lost with it.” – Scott Sauls
I have bought into many “Life-Lies” in my life:
“You won’t be happy unless you are a winner.”
“You must be the best at everything you do or you won’t be satisfied.”
“Lust will give you what you are looking for.”
The list is a long one but these are just a few.
Could it be that I am telling my soul a life-lie? Could my own daughters be the idols that I refuse to surrender to God? Am I depending on them more than I am depending on God? Many times our idols are actually positive things in our lives. Money, possessions, our job, our families. But my life becomes destructive and full of confusion when my priorities are not in order. And if I take a good thing and make it an ultimate thing – then I am putting that thing above the One who blessed me with it in the first place!
So consider me playing the part of Elsa right now. I am trying to let it go. I have to let everything go so that I am truly trusting in God and His will for my life. I cannot live a healthy, honest life in recovery until I do. I am letting go of all the good things that God has blessed me with so that I can get it all back.
Get all those exact things back the way I once knew them? Maybe – maybe not.
The promise I am clinging to is that regardless of the “currency” I will gain back much more than what I surrender. I am gaining my life back and living as God intended me to live. That alone is a miracle. That is worth it even if (in this world) I don’t get back what my heart desires.
I must believe and live in a way that my heart seeks God above all else. Because He is the real treasure and I will spend the rest of my days seeking His face.