“Remember that this is just a season. Like everything else, it will pass. This isn’t going to be the rest of your life.”
I listened to the voicemail three times as I watched the girls sleep peacefully in my living room. Tears began to stream down my face during the third time as the realization of the moment began to sink in. Tomorrow was the day.
The day I would have to say goodbye.
I have well established in telling my story that, historically, feeling strong emotions has not been something with which I am comfortable. Especially feelings of hurt, fear, loneliness and sadness.
Sadness is where I currently sit. Soaking in my seat.
The pain of goodbye is still very fresh and almost everywhere I turn I am reminded of a sweet memory that was just made with my angels. When I see something that I know they would enjoy or find interesting I want to look down and exclaim: “Hey look girls!”
But they are not there.
The beauty of being in recovery is that even though emotions are still scary and I don’t want to feel them – I can feel them and stay sober. It is actually possible. That is truly a miracle given that the key issue of my becoming an addict lay underneath the surface of my skin. My roots of my addiction lay in my heart. There lies the solution as well.
Sadness is a God given emotion and its very important for me to feel it. If I do not feel it then I might grow cold and my heart will harden. Feeling sadness is a reminder that there are things in my life that I cherish. The degree of sadness I feel for the loss is directly proportional to how important the loss is to me.
So saying goodbye to my daughters for 3 months brings an almost unbearable amount of sadness for me. Thats a good thing, not a bad thing. I shouldn’t try and shield myself from feeling the sadness and the subsequent loneliness and fear that come with it. I need to feel it, process it, talk about it, work through it and then when I do that something amazing happens.
Today, despite still feeling a good deal of sadness I am also feeling a good deal of gladness. I am glad that my daughters love me no matter what. I am glad I will see them again. I am glad I have a new job that I will start in a few weeks so that I can continue to help support them. I am glad that I am living fully and working my program so that I can lead an honest and sober life going forward. There are so many things that I am grateful for but I don’t see them as clearly without going through the sadness of loss first.
“Recovery is a fix, its just not a quick fix.” – SA Member
The above quote tells me that the seasons life bring are all important. I can’t snap my fingers and be happy and well. I cannot experience true gladness without all the other emotions coming first. I must let the seasons come and go and trust that they all will run their course in God’s time.
Right now as the temperatures continue to rise, so do my emotions. I got that “Summertime Sadness” that Lana Del Ray wrote about a few years back. But that’s not all that I got.
I got sobriety.