A year ago my life was in complete disarray. I think back to that summer and its hard to even fathom how far God has taken me. I pray that He will continue leading me down the path of recovery. One of my first blogs was on Father’s Day a year ago. I related a sermon I heard to a vision of how I could still be a good father despite a lot of unknowns regarding my proximity to my children. It was my first (and hopefully only) Father’s Day apart from my young children and the sadness and guilt was almost overwhelming.
It was a very raw blog, gut-wrenching would probably be the most appropriate way to describe it. I expressed my deep desire to be the best father I could be to my daughters moving forward. I laid out a plan of how that could happen.
The blog was sincere yet my heart had not found recovery. A good deal of that day was about me not being able to be with my daughters. Since finding recovery and actually living it out 24 hours at a time, I am learning that even on Father’s Day life is not about me. I need to stay healthy not so that I can have the Father’s Day of my dreams – I need to stay healthy to allow my daughters to be with their dad on Father’s Day and experience joy, happiness and love together. Father’s Day is ultimately a day where Dad’s can love and be loved. That can’t happen if I am wrapped up in lust. That can’t happen if I am feeding my disease.
Yesterday was probably the best Father’s Day of my short time as a dad so far. I think having last year’s rock bottom experience as the most recent one to remember certainly added to the sweetness of this year. I am a blessed man. My ex-wife did all that she could to arrange the summer so that I could be with the girls for Father’s Day. My sister and brother-in-law went out to eat with us to my favorite dim sum restaurant after church. Speaking of church, I was able to take the girls to my my church for the first time and it was a great feeling. They got to greet with me before the service began (name tags and all) and met a lot of people that were excited to see them!
“What a difference a year makes” seems like an appropriate summary of last Father’s Day to this one. Daughterless a year ago to soaking up every minute with my angels this year.
Despair transformed into happiness.
But there is one feeling that is consistent with last year. Despite my pain, I felt hope. This year that hope is stronger than ever and I don’t take it for granted. Hope is what got me in recovery in the first place. Hope keeps me here and keeps me headed in the right direction.
The path that heads towards my girls for Father’s Day.