I’m reading a book that is inspiring, challenging and gut wrenching. I’m reading an autobiography of someone who was diagnosed with cancer (and has since passed away).
In a recent chapter that I read, it talked a lot about all the fears one gets upon hearing the news: “You have cancer.” Fear of the future. Fear of the pain the news will cause others. Fear of death. But one fear that is strong among many cancer patients is the fear of cancer returning. As described in the book, many cancer patients are fortunate to have the cancer go into remission or at least no longer appear in tests or on scans.
This can stir up a whole different type of fear. The fear of it coming back.
I think in a way I have been carrying around the fear that my disease would take over again. That this feel good recovery lifestyle was just a phase. A honeymoon of sorts. What if lust returns stronger than ever and I cannot resist? What if I fall right back where I was a year ago?
Well lust is back and he is definitely stronger than ever. I feel exhausted and worried that he is here to stay. It seems that at every turn there is a trigger – a reminder that I am still sick. I may be getting well but I’m definitely still sick. The darkness is heavy and the pit in my stomach is swelling. The withdrawals are real and if it were not for my program and the support that I have built I would without a doubt be drowning in addiction right now.
As it stands I am still gratefully sober but feeling lust’s grip again is a reminder that this recovery is not just a quick fix. You don’t just reach a certain milestone, snap your fingers, say a chant and BOOM! It’s gone. Sometimes I wish it were that easy but its not. It’s not that easy and it will never be and you know what? I’m a better person for it.
Lust is truly relentless so I must be even more so with my recovery efforts. Game on.