Voices of My Disease

There are many voices in my head and I’m learning which to listen to and which to tune out. Whenever I am back in Korea the voices of my disease are louder and more aggressive than ever before. They crowd my mind and block my vision. They think they are helping me because I used to listen and believe their lies. They torment me every night. These are their voices:

Worry: “You better hope you don’t run into all the people that hate you.”

Shame: “They cut you off for a reason you know.”

Pride: “Well it’s their loss, I say good riddance! If they can’t forgive you by now then they are a lost cause. They have no clue how hard it’s been for you or the progress you’ve made.”

Selfishness: “I’m with you, P. They will never understand. Forget them, this visit is about your last time in Korea.”

Isolation: “I would add that no one really wants to see you. In fact, those who appear welcoming are just putting on a show because they feel bad for you. You’ve lost every single friend you ever had in this place.”

Resentment: “It’s the ones that acted like they were supportive but have either joined with the gossipers whose goal was to run you out of the country or just forgotten about you all together. Yeah just steer clear of those fine folks – if you can.”

Worry: “I guess you’re right guys, since we’ve left I’m sure no one is feeling compassion. The villain will always be despised.”

Rage: “Just go punch a f&$king wall or something, it will make you feel better!”

S & P: “You are better than them now because you are seeking recovery. They haven’t changed nor will they ever change.”

Resentment: “I’m sure they made up their mind months ago to punish you for the pain you’ve caused.”

Lust: “You should just go act out.”

Worry: “But you better be smart about it, if anyone finds out then their view of you is justified.”

Control: “You are still in charge. If people aren’t loving you or treating you the way you deserve then just take matters in your own hands.”

Isolation: “Your sponsor is like a million miles away. You can’t reach out to him, you’re pretty much on your own here.”

Lust: “Just go for it, your recovery can resume when you go back.”

Selfishness: “Do what you need to do. This ‘others first’ mantra that SA is teaching is bull shit.”

All: “We are suffering with you, we understand what you’re going through, just take care of this hurt the way you used to for once!”

God: “Be still! Give me all your thoughts and take refuge in my arms. I love you and that’s all that matters.”



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