This weekend has been super busy around downtown Nashville where I live. Well, every weekend is busy but this one has a little extra excitement in the air. Maybe its the warm weather. Maybe its the NHL All Star Game. Maybe its just because its Nashville and as you may know Nashville is amazing. With the increase of joggers, dog-walkers and mullets, the level of people watching has been superb.
One dude caught my eye earlier as I was sitting on “my bench” that faces the river where Broadway runs into 1st. He was jogging shirtless and lets just say he had nothing to be ashamed of in the pectoral department. He stopped momentarily from his run and cranked out a few pushups on a ledge that hundreds of people have stood for a photo opp.
So lets just set the stage for a second.
The most touristy area of the most touristy street of one of the most touristy cities in the world is the place “Sergeant Pecs” decides to conduct his workout. On a Sunday. Nice.
I laughed to myself and rolled my eyes (probably a little out of jealously if I’m being perfectly honest). But then I began to think of the times I have wanted attention from others. I have been that dude. Whether it was in the classroom in high school, on the court as a player, on the sideline as a coach, on the road when I used to ride a bad ass motorcycle. On the dance floor, in the classroom, in the weight room. All of these places have functioned as a stage of sorts throughout my life. There have been times that I so longed for attention and approval from others that I “performed” in order to get recognized. I’m sure this behavior is a combination of my personality and my disease but since I am really trying to dig deep lately for any and all things that feed my disease, perhaps this needs a second and third look.
What am I doing now that is rooted in this way of thinking? How am I trying to fill this void that was left by the lack of a healthy paternal relationship growing up?
I continued pondering this as I walked back up the hill to my place. This blog suddenly flashed into my mind. Could I be writing my story to get approval from others? Am I seeking the attention of others (even from people I don’t know) in order to fill the void? Am I more concerned with how many subscribers and/or “Likes” I attain?
I need this blog. I need people in my life to know what is going on. I need to be able to inspire others that are hurting or are suffering with addiction like me. But I also need to constantly check myself before I wreck myself….again. It can’t be all about me. It has to be about Him. It has to be about humbly telling my story of recovery. I can’t get consumed about who is reading my words (and who is not). I need to consume myself with recovery and this blog is merely a platform in which to document that journey.
To the person who is reading this: I am sorry if my selfishness and pride has got in the way of telling the story of God’s grace and forgiveness. Thank you for reading. Thank you for your prayers. Keep reading if you so desire but know that my worth and my recovery does not depend on your readership. But by all means reach out to me anytime you feel comfortable. I need your support!