I am about halfway through my plane ride from Denver to Nashville. I did some reading for a bit but am really struggling to focus on anything but the obvious whole in my life. Instead of my wife and kids sitting beside me there is not a familiar face in sight. Instead of meaningful conversations I am stuck eavesdropping on the dude behind me hit on the girl he just met. “I’ve been in Colorado for two weeks and man it’s so hard to leave.” Trust me pal, you have no idea.
On the car ride to the airport, I had some time to think and reflect. Unfortunately, instead of reflecting on the experiences and memories that I had made with my girls the past week and some change, I have a massive pit in my stomach. The last conversation before saying my goodbyes with my daughters was a face to face with my wife, soon to be ex. This conversation took place just after signing a divorce petition. It was not pretty. Basically, I was put in my place for the times that I have argued my case to improve my position concerning custody and other legal issues. I was called selfish and an ass hole. I was accused of not having the girls best interest in mind. I was lectured to stop feeling sorry myself and stop being the victim. These were harsh words but I have to admit that some of them were true. The fact is I can’t flip a switch and fix the selfish pride inside. I am trying but often times I am failing. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, I really don’t. I know that I can’t play the victim when every one around me is the victim. When you have played the victim all your life though it is a very difficult mindset to reverse. I would give myself an overall passing grade and attempting to change that aspect of my thinking but I also realize I have a long way to go. I am struggling with finding the balance between standing up for my rights as a father and being humble in the face of a terrible situation that ultimately I am to blame.
I am currently 30,000 feet in the air but feel as low as I have ever been in my 34 years here on earth. Am I really a fraud like my wife thinks that I am? Am I all talk about my desire to change? Maybe so. Maybe there is no hope for me. Maybe it would be okay if this plane took a dive and this was my last blog.
But then I am reminded of the truth. I do have something to live for. My Creator. My girls. My recovery. I can’t do this for anyone else’s approval, including my wife’s. That ship has sailed and with it any chance to make it right. I can make my life right….well I can allow God to change me. I can’t do anything, it’s Him that must make me a new creation.
Oh boy. Glad that is out. I needed to write something or else I would explode and start sobbing on this poor guy next to me who is watching Discovery Channel on his phone. We just started our decent into Nashville, my new home. Here goes nothing…